18. Past & Present

Act I: Living In The Past

My life flashed before my eyes as my last year of high school dawned on me, I looked onto the world and on my life with such excitement. There is so much hope clutching onto and awaiting in the moments of the unknown. What will my oncoming life look like? I always clung to the intangible, relying only on material attributes like talent, intelligence, or athleticism. I clung to the security it gave me, because if not the former- what else? Who was I without all the bravado? Who was I without my ego?

In the same moment... it was all stripped away.

2019 was the year that marked my last year of high school, but also has marked many other things too. My first year without any pursuit of a netball career, it was the year I battled mentally, but it was also the year my mum had a stroke.

It was the end of life as we knew it. Everything had shifted, like new film had been placed in the camera- and the old put away. The scene had been set, with side characters becoming more frequent, and a brand new setting. I was not in the house I once called home, not with the very people who had raised me, and loved me the best. When the climax arose, and the pressure mentally, academically, and physically intensified: I froze. I absolutely did. In moments like these, you would think the best of yourself- that you would do everything in your power to be better, to take lead, to see the positive. But to be very honest I crumbled, I just couldn't move. It felt like I was paralyzed. And I let everything that had happened paralyze me. I let my grades drop, let other people take care of my mum, let others pick up the pieces and remains of my life.

But still, life moved on. My mum is the strongest character I know, because even though tragedy hit her the hardest - literally - she kept fighting. Fighting for me, fighting for our life, and fighting for our future. She is the hero and protagonist of this story. Can you feel the irony seep through the screen? The depiction of weakness that poured out of me. I'm not ashamed to admit it, and I can't dignify it with excuses. I played the coward. But I had to let go. Let go of all expectations, let go of picturesque fortifications of self, and let go of the fear of failure. Because failure had become a normal occurrence.

Act II: Living In The Future

Faith. Hope. Love. The Book says that these three things will last. After the ego was stripped and God became my strength in those moments. Freedom came to me like a breeze. It was soft and hopeful, it wasn't overwhelming. Away with all the pressure of standards, I could finally dream. Not only dream, but indulge in the anticipation of something that my life would become. My life rested in the expectation that God was going to use it.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

It became clear to me that I didn't have to strive to be something some more, I didn't need to run away from the problems that chased me, or overstretch past my boundaries. God would be the strength in my weakness, and the strength to carry my family through. He picked up the pieces and started anew. He taught me gratefulness, surrounded me with love from the hoards of people who were there for us, He helped to heal. There are so many blessings, and so many little miracles that I could tell you about this time in my life. But not only that, He gave me a hope for the future.

Time went by as quick as it came. By the next year I had dropped out of university, started a "business", and had a job that fluctuated like the seasons. This was the life I anticipated so greatly? This was how God was using my potential? Yes. The answer is yes (But we'll get to that another time). In the silence I wondered whether I was doing something that warranted the excitement, whether my hope was false, or what I was anticipating- was just not what I was expecting. I used to look onto the world and on my life with such excitement. There was so much hope clutching onto and awaiting in the moments of the unknown. What will my oncoming life look like?

It looks like your life now. Right at this moment. It looks like the beauty of laughter, it looks like the hardships you face, it looks like the dreams you will master. You are living in the future. You are living in the very hope that you once garnered yourself with. What ever your present looks like: Recognise and Be Grateful. You are not where you were before, and you will not ever be here again. Enjoy it. You have grown so much, you are a better person. You are wiser, and you stronger than you were before. I am not the same defenseless and clueless girl that I was before, I could forgive myself for my selfishness and more importantly, change. I could be thankful for the journey, and all that it has taught me. And yet, I can detach myself from who I was, and I can be the person I want and need to be right now. So can you <3